Devastating News.
Chapter 3
It was a beautiful Wednesday in April 1980. Brother and I were preparing with my sister to go to school when the police and the Army chaplain called.
What’s up? My mother’s voice is sharp, and the words instantly dissolve out of reach. I heard only “Allan” and “suicide” before my mother yelped:
What! No! Noooo!
I am coping: Okay, we are coming, which hospital?
Then the chaplain says, Wait?
Then the shocking news, Allan died.
When the police sergeant and the chaplain left, my brother was floating beside me, confused. I try to explain, already ticking off the list of what I need to do: My father’s dog? What should I do with the dog? My brother changes from foot to foot:
What happened? Tell me what happened. And then I crumple to the floor and weep while he pats me awkwardly. Saying, brother, please stay calm and let’s find out what the circumstances of the suicide were.
My mother got lost driving to the mortuary. We’ve never been to the Mortuary any time before, park in the wrong lot, go to the wrong building, get lost twice more before my mother finds the room. And when she walked in, she was walking into a new world, where her partner of fifteen years lies on the cold metal bed, so clearly himself and so clearly not alive. He was wearing a gown he would quip about if he could still joke. He was alone, a cardboard label on his left big-toe identifying him. Mother is crying; crying for quite a while, I am crying too, and we have cried for hours. There was nothing to say and ask the question:
Why this sudden goodbye?
And then Dr E A Wilson dodges life; the carbons evaporate; the light slowly goes out. The actor dies, as it were, before our eyes. It disappears as an object, or a person does, declaring itself ‘used up’ and thus virtually outside the preference of life.
Authors Note: It goes without saying that in the majority of cases, a loss by suicide is considered a sudden loss. Many people do not recognise the warning signs until a failure has already happened. Allow me to comfort you in reminding that death strikes all of us profoundly regardless of the method of death, and even though the loss of a loved one may feel so alien to you, I assure you that death and grief is something that every person in this world experiences. You are not alone in your incomprehensible pain.
Allow me also to validate that a loss of suicide is very different from any other form of death. A famous suicide prevention slogan reads,
“Suicide is 100% preventable”, and “Suicide is the most preventable form of death.”
While these words may be valid on paper, the reality is that we cannot hold ourselves responsible for the actions of others, only the effects of ourselves.
With a loss of suicide usually comes feelings of guilt and shame, which are then compounded by stigma.
Please read previous chapters:
Chapter 1: The South African Bush War.
Chapter 2: Psychopath, Path of Hell.
Chapter 3: Devastating News:
